My name is Lyla Jackson. I used to be a phoenix burning. Now, I am a willow tree laying down my roots. I am strong and brave. But, I need more than sun and water to grow. I have emotional needs too. I am trying to embrace this realization. I’m leaning into vulnerability and tearing myself open to let my heart out a bit. It hurts. I’m scared. I’m moving forward.
I have bipolar II. I struggle each day to stay safe and steady so that my children can have a mother that they deserve. I am climbing a straight rock face but I have set up ropes to catch me when I fall. I hope they’ll hold.
I’m supposed to believe that I am enough… maybe tomorrow I will.
Welcome to my brain.
Here is the about me blurb that I wrote in 2012
I am changing. My name is Lyla Jackson and I am a woman on a mission to feel better. I have been broken apart and scattered. I am struggling to rebuild myself, my identity and my confidence. I am determined to take back my life from the grip of postpartum depression and anxiety.
I am at war with my mind and it is a fight for my life. For my husband and my children, I am not giving up. I am a mother and a wife. I am building a career and learning how to be a better friend. I am re-learning what it means to be a person in this world. I am writing about what I learn.
Follow me at about.me/LylaJackson
I am changing.
Here is the first about me blurb that I wrote in 2011
I have been struggling with postpartum anxiety and depression (they just feed off each other) for 3 years.
I wore my babies in slings because I didn’t know how else to put them to sleep. And I think it is sweet. I cosleep with both of my kids because I don’t know how else to put them to sleep. But I also think it is sweet.
I spent my first year as a mom wearing my daughter in slings, reading about wearing her in slings and taking pictures of myself wearing her in slings. (and walking to Starbucks with her in a sling.) Once I had read and re-read everything I could find about slings and babywearing, I started reading about the toxins in our environment and our food supply. (I had lots of time with her sleeping in my sling…) I read everything I could about the crazy dangerous chemicals being put into our food and beauty products. I made my own toothpaste from baking soda- it felt like chalk. I decided to only wash my hair with a bar of soap- it didn’t work very well- I kept doing it for a year and a half. Later, my psychiatrist said that my extreme environmental concerns were a manifestation of obsessive compulsive disorder. Oops.
I use toothpaste and shampoo now…usually.