I am working on a fluff piece about fashion. It will be called something like, “How to dress for your mom body!” or “Ten ways to find your iconic style.” …but it seems my issues run a bit deeper than this season’s teal purse.
Vanity Fair recently did an interview with me about my eclectic style. It didn’t make it into the magazine but here’s the transcript:
Vanity Fair: Tell us about your fashion role models.
Lyla: I try take wardrobe cues from an interview I saw with Meredith Baxter and her wife where they both looked very confident wearing white men’s shirts. Also, I love the style of Nicky on Orange is the New Black. She’s my top style icon. I especially love her hair and makeup.
Vanity Fair: So, your style icons are a 65 year old former actress and a former heroin addict who is in prison?
Lyla: Yup. I also think Carrie Fisher’s kinda fat style was great.
VF: Okay… so tell us what’s in your closet.
Lyla: Well, it’s getting a bit full but here’s what’s in my closet:
- black leggings (x8)
- black undershirts (x8)
- white undershirts (x8)
- grey cardigans (x2)
- white linen shirts (x3)
- several scarves
- concert t-shirts to sleep in
VF: Wow, what a great capsule wardrobe for a full time mom.
Lyla: Actually, I go to work full time in a ‘business casual’ office each day. This list includes my daily work wardrobe.
VF: Okay…Tell us about your shopping strategy? How do you find your iconic pieces?
Lyla: Well, I absolutely love shopping. So when I need to refresh my wardrobe, I usually start at the dollar store. I pick up new black or white tanks to replace my shrunken/stained shirts. Then I head home ten dollars poorer. Next I sit at work and visit oldnavy.ca and check out the sale section. I’ll order some more black or white tanks and maybe an ill fitting grey cardigan or a new linen mens shirt in a randomly guessed size. Sometimes I’ll splurge on a long sleeve black or white t-shirt.
VF: That’s fascinating. I assume you are living paycheck to paycheck in low-income housing. Good job being resourceful on such a low budget.
Lyla: Actually, I live in a sought after Toronto neighborhood and my kids go to private school.
VF: Okay… So, I hear you like yoga. What do you wear on the yoga mat.
Lyla: See capsule wardrobe above.
VF: …and for a date night?
Lyla: Also, see above. But, sometimes I’ll really dress up and wear a pair of very stretchy jeans that I bought last month at the grocery store. But then I’ll add my brother’s old flip flops to dress it down a bit. (don’t wanna be embarrassingly overdressed.)
VF: Okay… so how about hair and make up. What’s your beauty routine?
Lyla: Well, I’ve made some huge changes in my beauty routine lately. I’ve started washing my hair twice a week with actual shampoo and conditioner. I comb it in the shower and also brush it every day or so. Like I said, I’m trying to get the iconic “Nicky” look but with the impression of better hygiene. Every morning and night, I brush my teeth with baking soda and try to remember to floss. I’ve stopped picking the skin off my lips and bought an organic lip balm. Sometimes I moisturize with coconut oil.
VF: How old are you?
VF: These aren’t the answers we were hoping for. We can’t publish this shit. You make no sense. Here’s a thousand dollars for you to spend on therapy figuring out why you are unable to dress like an adult.