This shit is old news

My days are feeling more normal. My life has a certain flow and predictability. But my mind is still not all there.

The loose connection between my mind and me doesn’t seem to be getting any tighter. This up and down and all around shit is getting old. I feel okay enough. I’m mostly able to take care of many daily tasks. I just want to stop focusing on my mental state and focus on nurturing my family.

Last week my psychiatrist suggested I take part in a Trauma Therapy Program at the hospital (an intensive four days a week/ eight week program) and also that I consider switching my SSRI for a different SSRI (to help with all the “fun” intrusive thoughts). This felt like a blow. Like, after all the hard work I’ve been doing, and all the strides I’ve made, I’m still so unwell that I need a medication overhaul and more intensive therapy? This didn’t feel good at all.

Lists can be fun. (maybe) Here are some reasons why I don’t want to do any of this:

1. I am ready to stop revisiting the past. I want to move forward in my new life.
2. I can’t really wrap my head around the fact that I ever suffered actual trauma. Nobody ever hit me.
3. Switching meds is risky and I could encounter bad side effects, withdrawal and it may not work for me. If the current SSRI is mostly helping and I’m the only one bothered by the thoughts, it would be selfish to put my family through a risky med change just to make myself possibly feel a bit better.
4. This specific program would require taking a two month leave from work. My daily routine is too important to screw with like that. Working keeps me grounded.
5. The medication that she recommends is Prozac and that sounds pretty scary because whenever the news says bad things about anti-depressants, I remember they always name Prozac (even though I know that just means it’s popular).
FINALLY: I think that I am mostly stable, so I want to stop being so selfish and not waste another breathe talking about my thoughts.

It’s true that I’m doing much better than I was. But it’s very frustrating that I’m still not well. I don’t know how to say this in a way that captures the intensity of this frustration. I don’t even know that I can ever expect to feel much better than this.  I’m only 32 years old.

I’m sick of therapy. I’m sick of over-analyzing myself. I’m not that interesting. I’m sick and tired of traipsing around in my crazy mind.

Packing it in.

I'm eating my feelings and they taste delicious

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One thought on “This shit is old news

  1. So three days after I got knocked the fuck out by a big bitch on the psych ward I was put in an outpatient program. It was four weeks long. Every day. I know that it is a huge upheaval in routine but you’re going to have to make it your new one. This is tough love. We ALL want to be well. We ALL want change. But we DONT want to do the change because we are scared of the unknown. You don’t know if this is right for you but maybe it is…you have to try.
    The tools they give you are invaluable. Our illness goes deeper than chemistry. You know that. I know that. There is a nasty Jack in a box and he has another box which has your mother in law inside and you need to let her out…kill that bitch.
    These decisions aren’t easy, but I know that you know what you need to do…
    Always go for combo one with an extra side of curly fries
    Kidding.
    I’m always here for you Prozac princess xoxox
    (It’s me Kim a.k.a momgosomething stupid wordpress asking me to login…jerks

    Like

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