To all the girls I’ve loved before

Remember when you were ten years old and someone mailed you a chain letter and you had to make ten copies, sign your name and mail it to ten more people? I never copied the chain letters. My young heart just couldn’t be bullied into sending a letter under the threat of “10 years of bad luck”. Actually, maybe I should have sent them…

Anyway, this isn’t quite a chain letter (or maybe it is) but I’m really honoured to have been sent it so I’m breaking out the stamps and envelopes. Kim, who opened my eyes to what an honest blog could be, nominated me for a Liebster Award.

In true chain letter fashion, there are rules. I must answer Kim’s random questions. So, here goes:

1. Are you that guy in your neighborhood who feeds the wildlife?

I live in a condo in the city. The only wildlife in my neighborhood is an occasional squirrel climbing those weird small trees they plant in planters on the sidewalk.
I do give fruit and $20 bills to the bag lady who wanders my neighborhood… but mostly because I over-identify with her.

2. Where do you write?

I write at my desk in my gray cubicle at my day job. I’m very sneaky and blog under my maiden name so no one at work will ever find me. I love my job because I get a salary and it’s just busy enough that I’m not completely bored but not so busy that I can’t spend half a day writing on my blog, work for an hour, and then spend the rest of the day reading your blogs.

3. My New Year’s resolution was “More thongs, less yoga pants”. What was yours and are you sticking to it?

I guess my resolution was…um… to not die this year. So far, so good!

4. Lucky Charms for breakfast or are you one of those “I like my heart” kind of people?

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. From 2004-2007, I ate two soft boiled eggs for breakfast every single weekday. (Did I mention I have OCD?)

5. What are your thoughts on global warming? Kidding. Do you like pizza? Some people don’t like pizza and those people cannot be trusted.

Gobal warming? As my good friend Elsa said, “the cold never bothered me anyway.” It’s not so much the warming that concerns me as the polution of our air and contamination of our water and destruction of the ecosystem needed to secure a viable food supply for the future. Also microwaves freak me out, so I eat my pizza cold the next morning. (Didn’t think I’d get the connection did you?)

6. What is your favourite colour and have you used that colour (or a variation of it) to paint your walls?

I tell my kids that my favorite colour is green because I like nature.

But really my favourite colour is white. Which is really the absence of colour. I like it because white isn’t distracting or overstimulating (like my brain). So, yes, my walls are all white (except in my closet where I’ve drawn intensely on the wall with sharpies).

But I don’t dress in white because I also like to drink coffee. So I dress in black because it is kind of the opposite of white. (and because, if you are wearing all black, people can’t actually see your clothes or body. True story.)

7. What do you look forward to in the spring?

I look forward to walking outdoors without getting frostbite on my cheeks. And I like the smells and sounds of spring. And birds. I like that there are birds around.

8. Is there a piece of jewelry that you wear every day? Is there any significance to it?

Yes. Lately, I wear three pieces of jewelery most days.

1. A necklace with a small Lotus charm.

I’ve never been the kind of person who liked jewelery or attached sentiment to items. I also wasn’t the kind of person who thought that it was okay to buy something for yourself just because you think it’s pretty. I must have visited this necklace 6 times last year before buying it. It was $30.

I’m not sure why I love it but I do. It’s a lotus which makes me think of yoga- which reminds me to breath. I think that it also represents the new me, my new growth and my new ability to care for myself.

2. A thin black leather bracelet with a silver ball clasp.

This bracelet was given to me on my birthday last year in the middle of a canoe trip in the Northern Ontario wilderness with 12 strangers/best friends.

Rosie, a beautiful woman on the trip gave this to me. She said that she wanted to give me a birthday gift but she hadn’t bought anything, so she took this bracelet off her wrist and put it on mine. I’ve never recieved this kind of a gift before. It was the most beautiful feeling.

Rosie told me that whenever I doubt my place in the world, I should look at this bracelet and remember all the people here and in my family who love me. I do. Thank you Rosie.

3. My shiny diamond Engagement ring.

Two years ago, after my ‘manic break’, I started having thoughts of pawning my engagement ring for a cup of coffee. So I put it in the drawer for safe keeping. It stayed there for well over a year. I’ve started wearing it again now. It makes me think of my husband. I remember how much I love him.

Sometimes people look at my ring and ask me when I’m getting married. Then I give them a weird look like “Can’t you see by my messy hair, tired eyes and squishy body that I’m already married with kids? Isn’t it obvious that I can’t wear my wedding band because my fingers are still to fat and I refuse to resize it?” Such is life.

9. Cold pillow or warm pillow and are you a pillow flipper in the middle of the night?

I think of myself as more of a pillow biter, if you know what I mean…

10. Favourite picture of you and why?

My favourite picture of me was taken last month at my daughter’s 5th birthday party. It’s framed (in black and white, lest I be overstimulated by the colours) and hanging in my bedroom. It’s a picture of my mini-family and we all look so happy and natural. It feels real. We weren’t posed or all dressed the same or standing in a beautiful room. We were having a great day and we stopped to smile for a photo. I am proud of the loving birthday party that I was able to make for my little girl. Something I was never able to have.

That photo also marks my 5 year anniversary of becoming a mother… and the day I began to lose my hold on reality and my sense of self. I look at that photo and remember how hard I climbed to create the day that this photo was taken. Not just ordering the pizza and cake, and not just all the therapy to learn how to celebrate a birthday, but all the work that went into making sure that this little girl had her mother there to hold her at her 5th birthday.

I feel proud of where I am today. I fought so hard to become this woman who can stand in a photo with her husband and children and feel like she belongs. Our smiles are all so genuine. When I look at that photo, I remember that something would be missing if I wasn’t there with them.

(that just got way more sentimental than I expected…)


Thanks, Kim, for nominating me for this award. xoxo. Keep breathing babe.


2 thoughts on “To all the girls I’ve loved before

  1. I want to see the inside of your closet!
    I too dress in black because it hides how I feel and what I look like.
    I love the story behind your friend Rosie’s gift.
    This was wonderful.


  2. Stahhhpppp…you’re making me cry. OMG Rosie. Everyone needs a Rosie. What a beautiful soul. I would be clinging on to that forever.
    Yes, I too am scared of the microwave. Ours is so old that you need those protective vests from the x-ray department. My mother in law cooks EVERYTHING in the microwave. Roasts. Who cooks roasts in the microwave? I’ll tell you. She does. But she also sports a mullet and is American. So there’s that.
    I love white also. It is so peaceful.
    The best part in all of this is the picture. I love that you can see so much more than smiles….xoxox


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