Castles in the quicksand

Come on Lyla, hold on tighter.
You can do it! It’s been ten whole days feeling like a real person.
Just keep it up. Don’t lose your grip now.

You’re being such a great mom. A loving wife. You have been such a capable person for ten days straight!

I am sitting on the subway literally feeling my hold on this reality slipping out of my fingers. I’m trying to think my way out of it. Doesn’t seem to be working…The random anxiety. Wanting to cry. Mind racing trying to predict the next ten minutes. Everyone is probably talking about me. But this is not right! None of this is true. I must record this before it slips away completely.

I just want to scream and bang my fists on the floor of the subway– “It’s not fair! I’m not done enjoying this yet! My kids still need me!”

I finally had a sense of myself. I thought I’d at least be able to keep a hold of that. I had ups and downs but they were related to things that were actually happening and most importantly, they didn’t make me question my self worth. I didn’t question whether or not I exist, or if I deserve to. I just lived. It was nice.

I want to scream and bang my fists on the floor of the subway– “It’s not fair! I’m not done enjoying this yet! My kids still need me!”

Whatever. It probably doesn’t matter anyway. I probably wasn’t that different. That’s not true! I was different! I was better. I was more real. I was able to cope.

I looked in the mirror yesterday and I noticed my eyes. They looked clearer, more focused, more alive. I’m worried they may be getting cloudy again.

How am I supposed to make any sense of this?

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One thought on “Castles in the quicksand

  1. That is a HUGE realization that you can distinguish between being ill versus reacting (maybe not on the same level as other people do) to regular stress/situations. When it doesn’t impact how you feel as a person is somehow relieving…maybe it’s just me.
    It stinks and I hope with all hopes that it (my computer wanted to write tit…perv) is just a fleeting moment. It’s scary nonetheless.
    xo

    Like

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