I wasn’t quite sure but now I am. I’ve lost my mind. It’s really gone. I just can’t trust it.
I seem okay. I’m doing good work, I’m acting like a good mom… but I think that I may be quietly going mad.
Apparently there is something called “olfactory hallucinations”. Super fun. I thought that my husband had caught a horrid smell and made him feel really bad about it. But then I got on the subway and other people had that horrid smell too.
Now I’m standing in a meeting at work and I smell it again. Suddenly my boss has that horrid smell. Then I realize that I really can’t trust any of my senses to tell me anything about the world. Even my nose betrays me. Maybe I just think I’m standing here at work typing but really, it’s an illusion too. Maybe I think there is carpet under my feet but there is not.
You know how I like to play a fun game where I try to decide which is my favorite part of bipolar, well, I think that the best (and by best, i mean worst) part is that there is no cure. I will never decode this once and for all. I will always be forever getting my feet stuck in rabbit holes.
It’s like I’m walking, getting stronger, foot stuck, pull it out, walk, foot stuck, stand, pull it out, walk, run, fall in hole, climb out… you get the idea.
But I can never hope to live somewhere that is not full of rabbit holes waiting for me to fall into. Because the holes are in my head…apparently.
There is no finish line, it’s just a hamster wheel that I have to keep running around.
This really sucks because I actually have a really great life. I’m super lucky. Only not. errrr…. grrrr….Because this woman lives in my head: