Brain, turn off… please

I fear I will never have time to think all the thoughts that I need to think. I keep getting distracted. Where is the off button for my brain?

But I can’t turn it off, I need to get to work on my brilliant bipolar book that will perfectly capture the essence of what living and mothering with mild madness feels like. It is my life’s purpose. As if writing it and having it validated will make it stop existing. As if being recognized positively for suffering will make it all worth it.

We write about things that have passed. So maybe if I am able to write about this once and for all, it will mean that it is over. Then I can begin living the next chapter- whatever that will look like.

Besides, isn’t all this crazy supposed to make me extra brilliant? I feel like it just makes me extra confused.
extra
xtra
trax
rats
star
I am a star. no. I don’t need to be a star.

Does everyone feel an unstoppable longing for attention? A longing to be seen and heard – by everyone – by anyone. It’s like all of humanity is just driven to have our existance validated in some way. For someone to say, “yes, i see you, i’m here, it’s okay.”

Am I supposed to learn how to say that to myself? Is that what “practising self-kindness” means?

I really want to be truly seen and heard. I can’t even see myself. I have no idea what I look like. I don’t understand how others may see me. I’m not even sure if it matters what they think. But I can’t stop feeling like my whole existence is supposed to focus on appearing the ‘right’ way.

I just really want to do right by my kids. I don’t want them to ever feel the way that I feel. I don’t want anyone to ever feel the way that I feel. I can’t even describe how horrible it is.

But I worry that maybe by over-focusing on trying not to screw up my kids, I’ll do the opposite.

It’s like I’m trying to teach myself a delicate dance on a (seemingly) fine line between smothering them and making them feel rejected. I’m not sure what the dance is supposed to look like.

But if I can’t do it perfectly, I have failed. I will have failed them. I will have failed myself. I will have failed my mother-in-law. I will have failed my husband. I will have failed anyone who ever tried to help me with anything.  I will have failed the waiter who brought me a sandwich yesterday. I will have failed the tree who gave me breath.

If Oedipus hadn’t feared that his son would kill him, he never would have sent him out to the mountains and the fear would not have come true. Sometimes, a decision that you make to avoid a particular outcome, is exactly what brings about that very outcome.

How will I know if I’m doing this life thing right? Where is my report card? and even if I received one, could I ever believe it?

…This post sounds a bit rambling and extreme but I’m actually feeling fine. I think. I’m sitting at my day job doing great work. I just have a lot of thoughts. I feel like I need some time to think about them all.

Where is my power to stop time so that I can get this all figured out?

out-of-this-world-tv-show-maureen-flannigan

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5 thoughts on “Brain, turn off… please

  1. Something I’ve learned is that “all or nothing” thinking – ie, doing something perfectly or not doing it at all – is the kind of thinking that sets you up for failure (failure as you define it, anyway)… because nothing will ever be perfect. And that’s ok! Even beautiful, sometimes. It would be weird if anything was perfect, because then it’s like, ok, what’s next? You can’t keep changing and evolving and growing if you’re perfect. It would mean you’ve already been the happiest you’ve ever been, experienced everything you’re meant to experience. Which simply can’t be true. And there is something incredibly comforting in this realization.

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      1. Sweet, lovely Lyla. That simply can’t be! It’s in the interest of evolution and the survival of humanity to strive to be the happiest possible because happiness contributes to longevity. (Science!) Sometimes, little things that you didn’t even think would make you happy before totally surprise you. I am constantly finding new things that make me happy. Even really tiny things. Like a pair of socks that I bought the other day because they had little peanut butter and jelly sandwiches holding hands because they’re friends.

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  2. I struggle with this mostly because I grew up in a shady family and look at where that got me…an overly anxious, extremely low self esteem, nothing is ever perfect…girl. So I try to right what was done wrong and in doing so, I often fear that maybe I’m going at it all wrong.
    I was told that all that our kids need is love and guidance and a swift kick in the ass at times…by foot or by words…kidding…by words.
    Kids need to see that we are not perfect. We aren’t . I have perfect hair but that is besides the point….
    I love what Bev had to say.

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