Last weekend, my husband told me to write on my blog, “You only write when you’re not feeling well.”
He wanted me to write about how great I was feeling and how well I was doing. He wanted me to write about how quickly my sense of self changed from laying on the floor in an “I’m losing my mind for good this time and no one will notice” panic attack on Friday to being a wonderful mother making a really nice birthday party for my daughter on Sunday.
I told him that I didn’t need to write about feeling good because, how could I forget that I feel good? What kind of mom forgets on Tuesday that she did wonderful things with her children on Sunday? That would be so weird. Of course I’ll remember. Besides, now that I know how to be happy, I don’t need to worry about trying to write notes to my crazy self anymore. She’s not coming back. That depressed girl is really gone for good.
But then, guess what happened?
It’s a very odd thing to understand that you can’t quite control your state of mind. (I feel like I write this in every post.) It’s like the only predictable thing about my mood is that it will change. Quickly. Randomly. It’s not even distinct moods. Like I can’t say, ok, I’m depressed now, I’ll be depressed for a few weeks, I’ll figure out a routine to work around it and then it will change and I’ll have some time to adjust to something else. (Isn’t it weird that my ideal situation would be to be depressed for a few weeks? Perspective…weird.)
Instead, it’s like, gee, I’m a bit tired. O wow, I feel like I need to cry right now. Now I’m furious about a Purim costume party that told kids that they had to be a princess or a super hero. (Are people really so dumb as to not see how limiting that is to our kids imaginations?). I must immediatly start a movement to save the children. Maybe I should make a music video? Wait, I need to cry again. It’s only 10am. This might be a long day.
There is really no point thinking about what could have triggered it. There’s actually no point in thinking at all when it’s difficult. I just need to keep going through the motions that will protect my life. Keep my job, care for my kids, eat healthy food, be kind to my husband, get enough sleep.
One day after the next. Some moments I feel the life, some moments I don’t. But as long as I keep going through these motions, I’m doing what I need to. It’s not really a very good way to live. But I guess those good moments are worth fighting for. I’ve been having more of those lately.
So, I should probably write down something good because I am starting to forget…
I have seen a new/old smile in my husband lately. He’s been more relaxed around me, taking my advice sometimes, following my lead with the kids and having fun with me… I’ve also seen my son come to me for comfort more often and expect that I will be there for him… I’ve also seen my daughter be silly, confident, outgoing and creative. I think that these are the external clues that tell me that I’m caring for myself and my family right now. I guess this means that things have been generally good.
Someone told me the other day that she thought it was so interesting that I am using logic to manage my bipolar.
It seems to be the only thing I can trust.