My therapist said that sometimes when kids have a chronic illness they will blame their parents for not protecting them against it.
She said that I was subconsciously deferring this blame onto my husband. I’m working on that one… it’s so not his fault.
But really, I’m consciously blaming my parents for:
1. having me.
2. not noticing how unwell my mental state and overall health was.
3. abandoning me recently.
4. making me feel horribly guilty for pushing them away.
Let’s break it down:
1. They should have been more responsible and realized that their capacity to take care of children was stretched to the brim with the 3 that they already had. Why go for 4?
2. When the junior high school called and said I’d been crying in the bathroom all week and had said that I just wanted to die… maybe they could have responded in a way other than, “Don’t cry at school, you will scare people. Goodnight.” (especially since they knew about a secret family history of suicidal depression!)
3. Maybe they could have been there for me. In general. In any way.
4. Maybe they could stop reminding me that they’re not there for me.
But maybe it’s really not their faults? Maybe they are just flawed people doing their thing and I’m misplacing my blame onto them. I dunno…
…Really!? Am I still writing posts about my stupid parents? I’m 31 years old! I have children of my own! I have a beautiful new family!
Didn’t I already figure out that I need to focus on the future and leave the past in the past? Why do I keep going back and forth?
Man, my blog has been like, so bipolar lately!
omg. Also, I’m on a seroquel hangover. fyi. Awesome way to start the week.