“Let it go. Let it go. Turn away and slam the door… I’m never going back. The past is in the past…”
I have a beautiful life today. It is so different than anything I’ve ever had before. It is full of feeling and love and warmth.
Last night, after bathtime, my son took my hands and started spinning me around and singing a song, Ima Y’kara Li – my mommy is precious to me. I know this sounds cheesy but as he spun me around, everything around us started to get blurry and all I could see was his beautiful sweet face smiling at me and singing a song about how much he loves me and feels loved by me.
I realized that it is ridiculous to let myself get hurt chasing love from my parents, when I have a beautiful family right in front of me who need me at my best. I am not my parents.
And I am not the person that I used to be. I am a completely different person, living in a completely different world. I used to live in an emotional war zone and now I live in an emotional garden of eden – everywhere I look there is someone safe to love. I need to keep reminding myself that I have to leave the past in the past.
I thought that maybe now that I am getting stronger, I could have a relationship with my parents without getting hurt but I can’t. They won’t let me. It sucks. But I have to go back to no contact. It’s what my new family needs and protecting them is my Prime Directive (#startrek).
“Mommy, precious to me,
My precious mommy,
Loves me very much,
Loves me very much.
I will smile at you,
I will smile,
I will sing a little song about you,
Because I love you,
I love you.”