Living for my kids

i have to write because i forget.
i forget that what feels normal sometimes can be so not normal.

these meds change my mind because my mind needs to be changed.
i had to take seroquel to knock me out again last week.
i was having a wonderful brilliant, singing, energetic time.
it was fun. for me.
i shut it down.

i did what i had to.
i am truly living for my kids.

would i take these meds if not for them?
or would i just enjoy the high, let my brilliant out and ride out the depression in my bed?
if not for them, would it matter if i made a fool of myself, quit my job, took off?

it matters to them. profoundly.
i matter to them.
i have to keep it in for them.

i think about the trail I’ve left of broken friendships,
people i betrayed and confused
jobs i quit
friends i cut out.
i can’t let that happen anymore.

i have to keep learning a new way to live.
i am learning it for my kids.
it’s hard.
i’m tired.
but they make me smile a lot

i think they make me really happy.
but i’m not really sure I understand what ‘happy’ means.
i trudge onward.
i think it will be worth it.

does everyone feel like this?
blanche

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One thought on “Living for my kids

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