Precious illusions

“These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless. Parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends.” (Alanis Morissette)

My nephew was born when I was in high school. I was so excited, I remember drawing a picture about it in my notebook. It was a drawing of a mother holding a baby and all around her were scary figures and dark ghostly demons trying to reach in but not able to touch them.

The drawing perfectly captured how I viewed motherhood as a struggle to protect a child against the horrible, terrifying and unpredictable world.

My niece was born this week. She is beautiful. I got to watch the amazing birth. And I thought of that image I had drawn but it didn’t seem to fit with what I was experiencing. I was witnessing a mother helping a baby come into the world and all around her were open supportive hands and shoulders and warmth and light.

My childhood world was unpredictable and scary. But the world I live in now is a very different place. I’m surprised to learn that life actually makes sense. There is a rhythm to things. The sun sets and rises, seasons change, babies are born, people die. It is all part of the ebb and flow of life.

“I’ve spent so much time living in survival mode. But this won’t work now the way it once did. Cause I want to decide between survival and bliss.” (Alanis Morissette)

This is a beautiful painting by Charles Vess – obviously not the pen drawing that I did in high school. (I’ll post that later if I can find it- it’s sure to give you nightmares).

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