it shouldn’t be like this

my mother has cancer.
i haven’t seen her for 6 months.
she has had 9 chemo treatments.
she has had surgery.
she is losing her hair.
she lost her eyelashes.
she bought a wig.
my vain mother who never left the house without makeup.
my vain mother who kept me young so that she would never age.
now she is aging too quickly.

i was so sick.
i had babies.
she abandoned me.
she abandoned them.
she doesn’t even understand.
i was more sick than she is.

65 year old woman with stage 3b colon cancer
60% survival rate

30 year old woman with bipolar ii
60% survival rate and 25 year reduced life expectancy.

cancer can be cured.
my life can only be managed.
everyday i manage
i balance
i survive.

i pay the price.
i pay every day for her mistakes.

i am so angry.
she hurt me.
she hurt my family.
i try to stop wanting an apology-
for her to recognize my pain.
i try to let the anger go.

it shouldn’t have to be like this.


*as always, all statistics have been verified by dr. google.

2 thoughts on “it shouldn’t be like this

  1. Oh friend.
    I don’t even know what to say because in between all of the line is so much more pain than what you have (very poignantly) written.
    You drive it home. I feel like you are very torn. Like you might…maybe a smidge…feel that you should help her despite her being so evil to you and that’s because you are so much better than she will ever be and your are such a caring person.
    You do what you feel is right for YOU. If she wasn’t there, if my mom wasn’t there, I’d feel all this anger too.
    Let that anger out…all of it.


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