Sorry

I feel really bad about my last post comparing my mom to Voldemort. It was harsh. It was true… but it was also coming from a place in me full of intense anger and hurt.

I don’t want to be the person bitching all day about her evil mother. I need to move forward, not be dragged backwards by negativity.

I love my mom so much. She just hurts me so deeply. It is easier to hate her than to feel the hurt. I also know that my feelings won’t change her reactions anyways. My mother is invincible to my pain.

I wish that there was hope that she would be able to be in my life. But every time I try to get close to her, the wild tornado of her emotions drops a house on me and I am crushed.

The more I learn about what she has been through, the more I should know that this has nothing to do with me… I am the “collateral damage of a secret war [I] did not start, do not understand, and cannot control.”

But maybe if I was just a bit more lovable… she would have changed for me.

It is not my fault that my mom will never be able to show me the love that I need from her.  There are many other people in my life who love me very much and taught me what it means to actually care for someone.

I have to focus on them now.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

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