I feel really bad about my last post comparing my mom to Voldemort. It was harsh. It was true… but it was also coming from a place in me full of intense anger and hurt.
I don’t want to be the person bitching all day about her evil mother. I need to move forward, not be dragged backwards by negativity.
I love my mom so much. She just hurts me so deeply. It is easier to hate her than to feel the hurt. I also know that my feelings won’t change her reactions anyways. My mother is invincible to my pain.
I wish that there was hope that she would be able to be in my life. But every time I try to get close to her, the wild tornado of her emotions drops a house on me and I am crushed.
The more I learn about what she has been through, the more I should know that this has nothing to do with me… I am the “collateral damage of a secret war [I] did not start, do not understand, and cannot control.”
But maybe if I was just a bit more lovable… she would have changed for me.
It is not my fault that my mom will never be able to show me the love that I need from her. There are many other people in my life who love me very much and taught me what it means to actually care for someone.
I have to focus on them now.