Smithers, my heart is pounding like a jack hammer

It is widely known that people say weird things. (Not me, other people).

But today I finally understood what it means to say that something “warms your heart”. It’s amazing to actually feel my heart. (Last week I could feel my uterus but it just gave my a sucker punch..) It’s like the ice encasement protecting my heart is finally starting to melt.

Every Saturday morning I take my daughter to dance class and watch her stand still for 30 minutes. Through my detective skills, I’ve determined that she doesn’t dance in class (or to the same music at home) because she can’t do it perfectly and is a bit embarrassed and because she doesn’t understand that you have to suck at something before you can get good at it. Both clearly (in my mind) a direct result of backwards lessons taught by her crazy mother.

Every week that goes by without her dancing just makes me think about how hard my mental illness has been on her.
(Obviously, she is the only four year old to ever be shy in dance class.)

Yesterday, halfway through, I got fed up watching her stand there and jumped up and started dancing with them. I know that I’ve been singing praises about my ballet progress but in between the skinny teenage dance teachers and the four year olds, I looked RIDICULOUS.

Soni was totally surprised and tried to hold my hand so I would stand with her but I just smiled and galloped away across the room.

I wasn’t quite sure if my stunt was going to have any effect at all. (Other than giving the other parents a good laugh.)

But then… (Drumroll…)Today, she walked into the kitchen singing the song from dance class! Then, she asked if I could put on the practice video of her dance teacher doing the dances.

Then… She DANCED!! My little girl danced! With a huge smile on her face!!
Then she danced again! I’m tearing up just remembering.

I can’t even describe how happy and overflowing this made me. I actually felt my heart warming and about to burst.

My psychiatrist asked me this week if I’ve been enjoying my kids. And I honestly said, yes. So much.

The last three weeks, I have been up and down and illiterate and brilliant and exhausted and insomniac… But I have definitely been enjoying my children.

I’m actually pretty proud of that answer.

mr burns heart


2 thoughts on “Smithers, my heart is pounding like a jack hammer

  1. This is awesome. You are doing an amazing job for her. She will remember that moment forever and you will too.
    I think that kids feel the same about not knowing they need to suck first. But you went out there and showed her that their was nothing to be afraid of. Bravo girl!


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