lunch with the brother

Why do I feel so raw and hurt after a completely uninteresting, random casual lunch with my brother and his wife? Why do I feel so empty? So disappointed? So abandoned?

o- right, it’s cause they suck!

Why were they so nervous to see me? Why did they have to keep talking over me and changing topics so quickly- why couldn’t we just have a real conversation. Why couldn’t he understand when I told him what I do at work? Why did she keep pushing me to tell her about each and every one of the finishings that I picked for my new condo?

I haven’t seen or spoken to them in so many moons. Why do they want to talk about backsplashes when they are so much more important things to say and ask? Are they like that with everyone or did I do something special to deserve this extreme insincerity?

Why did they ignore me twice when I asked about how my mom is doing? Why did they keep trying to end the conversation when after almost an hour, I forced us to spend less than 8 minutes talking about our mom’s chemo progress and my ricocheting mental health.

I am having a hard time accepting the answer that I know is true: They are just cold people. They are dead inside. They have always been like that, I just never noticed because I was like that too. They live only on the surface of their lives and are terrified that I may challenge their illusions and crack their rose colored blinders.

They like to know that they are on good terms with their baby sister but, just like when I was four years old, they can’t (won’t) see past my cute ponytail to the person standing (and suffering) in front of them.


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