Manic or normal?

Can we take a vote please.

When we moved into our rental apartment last summer there was this really ugly huge plastic shelf attached to the wall in the kids’ bathroom. I’ve been meaning to pull it off the wall. I even bought a scraper a few months ago. I found the scraper today and finally pried it off the wall.

But it left a bunch of marks all over the wall. So, I thought I could make the marks less noticeable with a bit of white paint from the kids washable paint. But someone had dipped the purple into the white paint so now the wall looks like this…

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If this is going to be a fair vote, I should probably add that I haven’t picked up a paintbrush since I was twelve. Also, I was pretty depressed last night and this morning and I took the day off work… Also, in my head, the painting that I was going to make was very minimalist. A purple line on a white square perhaps? A very simple washed out rainbow… but as I painted, I just had to give this mural some colour.

I keep thinking about how excited the kids will be when they see it.

Now, I’m pretty sure that I failed the hypo-mania vs. normal vote. Because painting a mural on the bathroom wall is not normal for me.

Can I just rant about how much this fucking ass balls lick cunt SUCKS! I am just going along having a nice life, feeling like things are coming together, having successes at work, taking care of my kids, feeling like we may just be stable enough to buy a house… and bam! I feel like shit again and have to be absentee mom… I just need to convince myself that this will dissipate in a day or two (it better).

I know that there are lots of people who have it much worse than me but this is really not fair. I’m doing everything right. I’m eating well, exercise, taking my meds… It’s really not fair. It’s like I am always walking around with a piano suspended above my head and I’m holding the rope keeping it from falling on me but sometimes, even if I don’t let go, it just randomly slips and falls on me. splat. and now you try to go about your normal activities with a fucking piano on top of you. and then, to top it all off, i feel super guilty for dropping the piano again.

But on the sunny side, at least I channeled my crazy to make something nice for my kids 🙂

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2 thoughts on “Manic or normal?

  1. Probably manically normal? Normal because you had wanted to make the change and had bought the supplies, but maybe a bit manic because you weren’t feeling 100%. But, that’s okay.

    You quickly recognized the behaviour, you stopped and asked the question, you are becoming more in tune with yourself which is an essential part of making a change. There is so much to be proud of with this post. Would you have questioned the behaviour so quickly before? Your writing doesn’t seem manic, so you seem in control to me.

    It is hard to see the progress when you are making changes to behaviours established over a quarter century. But, eventually stone is worn down by water over time. Keep eroding the habits that you want to change, you are doing great work.

    Self awareness is a scary thing, but realizing that you have the power to change is scarier for the habits that you establish. Think of these little stumbling blocks as your brains way of putting up a fight to keep things the way that they used to be. Your brain is running scared because it doesn’t want to change, but your mind can take control the more you learn to cope with your own unique set of challenges.

    If you have a moment, go to Vimeo and watch “the scared is scared” it is sweet and lovely. From what you’re saying, your scared is scared. This is progress and I’m proud of you.
    Much love

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  2. It took me a long time to recognize when I’m ready to approach an episode. Sometimes it isn’t easy though and I will admit, sometimes I want to experience the mania after such a dark depressive phase.
    So recognizing this in you is a good step for you.
    I think that we run terrified when we have a bad day or a really good one. we change so much from day to week and sometimes hours. We never know what is ahead but we should take comfort in knowing that we can help ease it. You said that you’re exercising and eating well and so forth and that is great. Give yourself credit for that. There aren’t a whole lot of people who do this. People rely on meds alone and they don’t realize that we also have to put in the hard work.
    It isn’t your fault. Don’t for one second think that. Our chemistry is a beeotch named Sue (because that is my mother in laws name and she has a mullet.) and we cannot predict when they’re about to mind screw us.
    I am currently writing a piece about parenting and being absent. My psych told me that as long as you give them all the love in your heart, that is all that matters. “Normal” parents aren’t always on the ball and some aren’t even involved with them.
    I think that you took your energy and created something wonderful for your kids. They will love that.
    I hope that you are doing well now.
    xo

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