The greatest love of all

I have been having crazy vivid and bothersome dreams lately. Some make no sense or give me tips about the future. note: this is not the post where I list out the numbers that align to ever past and future global catastrophe- maybe next week.

Note #2: this is another post where I bitch about my mom – feel free to skip this if you are sick of hearing about her. If you want to learn about other shit I obsess about, you could use the time that you would have spent reading this post to google “baking soda shampoo”. Fascinating.

Anyway, back to my dream: I am starting to think that dreams might actually be a clue to stuff that i don’t realize I’m thinking about. I guess that’s kinda an obvious generic thing to say. Time for a fun example:

The past two nights I had two very different dreams with one consistent theme: my mom was taking all of my stuff and I was trying to get away from her.

Is this a common recurring dream for most people? …googling… Didn’t think so.

But there were a few good things about the dreams (not really good, just good for me right now).

In the dream, I was trying the whole time to just get away from my mom. I wasn’t really upset about the stuff or trying to get on her good side so she would stop raging at me. I was just holding onto my kids and husband and leaving her there with all of the stuff (bags, clothes, appliances, books).

The more I think about this the more I feel like this dream is really a window into where I am at right now.

I’m in a place where I have everything that I need and I am fortified against her. She can’t hurt me using her old weapons and since she is unable to adapt or evolve, I am safe now. And it’s not about the stuff.

My mom can keep all the stuff. It doesn’t matter. She can keep my childhood memories. She can keep the dishes that she promised me and ‘can’t find’. She can keep her granite countertops and the pictures on her mantel of grandchildren she doesn’t care to know. She can keep the illusion of her perfect life. She can keep the tea cups that she never uses but won’t give me. She can keep all the stuff that used to be mine when I lived in her house.

But she can’t take what matters. She can’t make me turn on myself. She can’t upset my kids. She can’t get between me and my husband. She can’t take my kindness and empathy.

“…can’t take away my dignity. Because the greatest love of all is happening to me. I’ve found the greatest love of all inside of me.”

Note: I warned you that this was going to be all about my mom… I bet you are wishing you had read about the baking soda shampoo instead…at least then you’d have shiny hair.

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