I feel like I am starting to learn how to keep breathing when I am uncomfortable.
This is especially important because:
a) just about everything makes me uncomfortable.
b) I think that I’m learning that the only way to ever get anything is to become uncomfortable.
This is a fundamental lesson that i need to internalize about sacrificing present comfort for a future reward.
Maybe most people learn this naturally, but I didn’t. So I’m going to teach myself now. And I’m going to recruit all the teachers that I can.
I actually felt pretty good in ballet class today. And I’m losing weight too. That wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t willing to look like an elephant in a tutu for a few months.
I also stood up to a bully at work this week. ( Thanks to my husband’s patient coaching) She tried to steal my work and tell me that it wasn’t mine anyway and I stood up for myself and I got it back. This would not have happened if I hadn’t put myself out there to defend myself.
This all built my confidence so that (pathetic drumroll….) I made my husband a cup of tea. This was possibly the most difficult of all the above. But also the most important. Because i need to overcome my fears of rejection and give him my love. The pain and fear that it brought up was so deeply rooted. But I just thought about how I had overcome the other obstacles and I was going to beat this too. I don’t want my mom’s crazy to keep my husband from getting the love that he deserves. The love that I want to give him.
I read that a having a borderline mother is like a gift that just keeps on giving- well, it’s time to gift it back because I DON’T WANT IT.