Comfort in discomfort

Dear blog,

I feel like I am starting to learn how to keep breathing when I am uncomfortable.

This is especially important because:
a) just about everything makes me uncomfortable.
b) I think that I’m learning that the only way to ever get anything is to become uncomfortable.

This is a fundamental lesson that i need to internalize about sacrificing present comfort for a future reward.

Maybe most people learn this naturally, but I didn’t. So I’m going to teach myself now. And I’m going to recruit all the teachers that I can.

I actually felt pretty good in ballet class today. And I’m losing weight too. That wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t willing to look like an elephant in a tutu for a few months.

I also stood up to a bully at work this week. ( Thanks to my husband’s patient coaching) She tried to steal my work and tell me that it wasn’t mine anyway and I stood up for myself and I got it back. This would not have happened if I hadn’t put myself out there to defend myself.

This all built my confidence so that (pathetic drumroll….) I made my husband a cup of tea. This was possibly the most difficult of all the above. But also the most important. Because i need to overcome my fears of rejection and give him my love. The pain and fear that it brought up was so deeply rooted. But I just thought about how I had overcome the other obstacles and I was going to beat this too. I don’t want my mom’s crazy to keep my husband from getting the love that he deserves. The love that I want to give him.

I read that a having a borderline mother is like a gift that just keeps on giving- well, it’s time to gift it back because I DON’T WANT IT.


50 positive things…why not?

write 50 positive things about yourself

So, I went on facebook for the first time in an eon and I saw this (↑). So, I’m thinking let’s give it a try. Can’t hurt. Right? I hope this doesn’t backfire.

*disclaimer, i think the nature of this post is going to get a little boring on us…50 is a lot..

1. I used to have a nice rack.
2. I will soon have a nice rack again.
hmm.. this is hard.. I’m not quite sure where to start.
3. I am trying to be kind to everybody I meet.
ok. that worked.
4. I have an ereader.
that’s a possession, not a quality
5. I am working hard in my ballet class, even though I look like an elephant when I dance. (mental image: elephant in tutu…giggle)
6. I worked really hard in a few crossfit workouts this week.
7. mmm…crossfit… that counts for two items. I sweat a lot!
8. I shower and try to brush my teeth every night before bed.
9. I try to be kind to my kids and sensitive to their fears.
10. I try to see things from my kids perspective and act accordingly.
11. I am doing a good job at work. I don’t think that this project would be as far along if I weren’t here.
12. I am a kinda good project manager. I think.
13. I am loved.
14. I am trying to eat more natural foods.
15. I try to be conscious of conspicuous consumption.
16. I try not to waste too much plastic.
17. I sometimes find creative solutions to problems.
18. I am good at organizing files.
19. I can type well without looking at the keyboard. (but i can’t spell for shit)
20. I am trying to improve the way I present and see myself (hair, clothes, style) to more reflect the way that I would like to be. ie. more authentic and capable, less homeless lady who doesn’t own a mirror.
21. I am trying to be authentic in everything that I do.
22. I am trying to be nice in everything that I do.
23. I try to reach out for help when I see that I need it. (ie. therapy, pills, therapy, support, dinner)
24. I am trying to be my own hero even though i am my own dragon. i want to rescue myself from myself.
25. I think that I will try anything once. (note: I may be totally wrong.)
26. I try not to gossip about people.
27. I try to be open and easy to talk to. (when i’m not cutting you off or playing devil’s advocate with all of your ideas.)
28. I am trying to be a better person. A better wife. A better friend. and a better mother. (if you stick around long enough, you might get to see)
29. I am doing the things that I need to do to manage my ‘mood disorder’ the best that I can.
30. I am trying hard (really hard) to protect my kids from suffering because of my mental illness.
31. I clean my kitchen daily.
32. I try to do laundry for my family.
33. I try to help my family create routines to make things easier.
34. I am trying to be a better friend to my ex-boyfriend (husband).
35. I am trying to be a better friend to my sister who I love.
36. I am trying to be more loving toward my mother-in-law who is teaching me how to love.
37. I try to be there for friends who are dealing with postpartum depression or struggles (but it’s really hard when I’m drowning in my own…)
38. I am enjoying my children.
39. I am working on helping my daughter learn some confidence that I forgot to teach her while I was modeling trying to be invisible and avoid all conflict depressed.
40. I am trying to expose my kids to things that I don’t know much about but I think they will enjoy.
41. Maybe I’m a little bit pretty. (when I’m not crying)
42. I am learning with my kids. I am taking ballet. I am teaching myself about classical music. I am learning how to ice skate better. I am learning how to learn and showing them (i hope) along the way.
43. I try to expose my kids to what I think is right for them and not what toys’r’us happens to be selling.
44. I am trying to make my kids birthday parties that they will enjoy, without worrying about what other people will think.
45. I focus on teaching my kids to love each other and care for each other and build their own friendship.
46. I seem to have creative ways to use everyday objects. (ie. glass jars)
47. I am actively looking for experiences and challenges that will help me grow on this journey.
48. I want to try hard things just to show myself that I can try them. even if i don’t succeed. i think that i can win by giving it my all.
49. I am overcoming the legacy of my damaged parents.
50. I am not – I will never be my mother.

I really wish that I didn’t end with that one. But I probably shouldn’t edit it because it is actually honest. This entire list can sort of be summarized by item #50. But it’s the whole list of positive things that I should focus on.

I’m going to try to focus on the 49 items and not defining myself by who I am not.