So, I sort of realized this afternoon that I was actually really sick the past few weeks/months. I was unwell and I could not remember ever having felt any better. Being sick sucks and it’s reasonable that you aren’t functioning at 100% when you are sick. It’s really hard to be sick for months at a time. But it wasn’t my fault.
I felt so great yesterday. I felt in control of my body and my mind. I felt intelligent. I felt able to take on new projects. I felt ambitious. I felt capable.
But now I’m tired and sleep deprived and getting a cold and so the bell jar is descending again… fuck. fuck. fuck. shit. fuck.
It’s like I can feel myself slipping into the quicksand. I’m laughing too loud. I’m making inappropriate jokes. I’m getting too discouraged.
Yesterday I decided to re-design a website that I had built for a family member. I was going to transform his business and help him make a zillion dollars. I worked on it all night. But now everything just looks like crap and he has not edited his photos properly so that will be another barrier to it actually looking good. And I just want to drop this project and pretend I never even started it. I think I will. Sorry guy.
I should go home and nap. or eat a bag of chips. and a box of cookies. and a case of ice cream. and a pizza. and sushi. and a burger. or maybe nothing.
I guess my doctor was right yesterday when she said that even though I felt good for a whole day, I need to start a mood stabilizer next week. err… so, here we go again on the medication roulette wheel. wish me luck- fingers crossed that i can avoid the killer rash!