Coming out

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday. I’m totally freaked out. I’m dreading it.

It isn’t helping that tomorrow is also Yom Kippur, a day that I am dreading for other reasons.

30 years. 30 years? 30 years!

That sounds like a really really long time. Am I where I wanted to be? Actually, sort of yes. But it feels different. Am I done growing? Not even close.

If I could summarize how it feels to turn 30 with all this crazy in my head, I would say that I feel as tired as an 80 year old and as clueless as a 3 year old.

I think that for my 30th birthday, it would be good if I could start to come to terms with being the real me, openly and honestly. I’ve been hiding a bit on my blog by not really putting up any photos. Also, I can’t stand to look at photos of myself these days. So I’m going to try to face my fears and embrace my imperfections and muster the courage to post a photo of me. um….next year…

I’m really never okay

sometimes when i say i'm okay...

What does it even mean to be “okay”?

if you feel like you need to ask me if I’m okay, you should know the answer is going to be nope.
I’m really sorry. I want to be okay. It’s really hard for me to always not be okay.

I have a vision in my head of the mother that i want and need to be. but I pick up my kids and they feel so heavy, I’m afraid I’ll just fall over. Or maybe I’ll forget that I’m holding them and just let go and lie down and not even notice. I just worry about them. I need you to watch me take care of them because I don’t trust myself right now. I don’t feel in control of my mind and I need to make sure that my kids are safe.

Lately, it just feels like every time I actually think that I’m okay, I realize that I’m really not. I have been cycling daily between hypomania, depression, feeling okay, and not being able to keep my eyes open.

I am phasing off of the Zoloft because it may be speeding up this bipolar-like cycling. And I am trying to detox from the seroquel, which made me sleep 20 hours a day and feel like I was filled with lead when I walked. I guess this is a time of serious mental instability for me. So, if you need to ask if I’m okay, please just know that I’m not really. But, please also know that if you are kind and sensitive and patient with me now, I should be okay soon- or eventually- I hope.