I wrote this post about a month before I hit rock bottom. A window into my descent…
If it really takes a village to raise a child, why the hell am I doing this alone with my husband in the middle of a city??
I think I figured out why there is so much postpartum depression these days. It came to me as I was cleaning yogurt off the kitchen floor while my son dropped cheerios in my hair.
We modern women are raised to believe that we can rule the world. We go out and get an academic education, we cultivate our egos, we are reminded to stand up for ourselves and not be anyone’s servant. Then we get pregnant… we get to be a real princess, our husbands cater to us, we spend lots of time rubbing our bellies with our feet up… then childbirth is this rough, real, animalistic act that we are completely surprised by and are supposed to pretend fits in with our civilized view of ourselves and the world. But pushing that baby out was on a whole other level than running a friggin marathon. So, we dig deeper than we know we can, or we don’t and we let the doctor’s take over and remove our baby from our bodies. From that point on, nothing is civilized. Something has changed. deeply. We can’t just hand the baby to someone else and go out to a party. It just doesn’t work that way. But no one admits this so they either do it and pretend that it’s fine and ignore their baby’s real needs, or don’t go out because that’s what their baby needs and they disappoint their husbands, or get left behind, alone.
Life after baby is not like your old life with a cute baby on your hip. your whole world is upside down and everyone thinks that this is fine. It’s fine that you need to call in a favour to go to the bathroom, even though you went this morning didn’t you?
Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. I love them even more today than I ever have .. but I can’t keep denying my own needs without a day off. THis job really is 24/7 and it’s hard to know what that means until you feel your hair/rats nest and eventhough it’s been a week since you washed it, you’re just not sure if tonight’s the night because you’d really like to go to the bathroom alone, or maybe just sit for a few minutes alone. quietly. and maybe if you shower, the noise will wake the kids and then, not only will you not have gotten your shower, but now you have to put them back to sleep again. really, you should probably just lie down quietly now while you have the chance.
I’ve been denying my own needs my whole life and i’m ready to start feeling my own feelings. but i can’t do that with all of these chains on me… i’m just not sure where to go with this. i feel so much anger. but then i hug my kids and they are so sweet and lovely and they make me feel a bit better. but then i look at my husband who i used to love so so much and so deeply and he is just so confused… he can’t even act like himself, i’ve completely broken him.
Maybe this sounds like the ramblings of a crazy person but maybe i’m crazy. i swear i’m not writing this to make me sound crazy, it’s just what’s in my head and maybe i’ll delete it in a minute, or maybe i’ll post it… because, probably no one is reading this… what do you do when you’ve had all the therapy and all the medication and all the time and you still feel like this?