This afternoon I looked at my kitchen and tried to come to terms with the fact that I would never be able to clean it. There were just too many steps in the way (unload the dishwasher, sort the mail, finish grating a bar of soap for homemade laundry detergent, eat all the chocolates…) I was hoping that by the time we move in a year and a half, I’ll be able to find both of my kids under all the shit in my kitchen.
Now, I’m sitting at a clean table and my counter and sink are all (more or less) clean.
I tell you this not to marvel at my wonderful cleaning prowess (I possibly swept the crumbs off the counter into that space beside the oven) but because I’ve been amazed at how quickly things change in my head lately. I can be in the deepest (I mean really deep) depression one moment and then, an hour later, thinking how amazing I’m doing and wondering why I’m not trying to get pregnant again…
The thing that I find most unsettling about this is that when I am in one state, I find it very difficult to remember that I ever felt anything different. To use a light example, when my kitchen is dirty, I can’t imagine that I will ever get it clean. But now that it is clean (by my hands!), I can only envision it always staying this way. And that it always was this way.
To use a more accurate example, when I am feeling ok, I wonder why I didn’t just ‘pull up my boot straps’ earlier. I think about all of the awesome projects I’m going to complete now that I know the secret to feeling good. I feel like I must have been faking my depression and I wonder why I did that. Then I get depressed and anxious again and I wonder why I ever thought that I was okay. I feel like I’ve been consistently depressed for my whole life and really wonder why my husband married me.
This back and forth is really driving me (and him) crazy. I read something about not trusting your reality during depression… maybe there is a link.
Anyway, on the ‘happy pills’ front, I’m on day 2 of a starter dose of Zoloft. So far so good. I’m not feeling great yet but the side effects didn’t hit me over the head yet either. Fingers crossed.