Have you ever noticed yourself doing something and suddenly realize that maybe this isn’t a good thing to be doing? And then keep doing it?
I had a moment like that today while I was hiding in a bathroom stall eating a chocolate bar.
See, tonight I left Crosby (5 months old) with his very capable father so that I could go enjoy the symphony at the theatre near our house. The plan worked great. Crosby napped on his daddy and didn’t even cry for me.
But, me on the other hand….my therapist warned me today that doing something that I haven’t done for a long time (like leaving my child in good hands to enjoy myself) could be very anxiety provoking. I almost turned back twice on the five minute walk to the theater. Once the show started, I think I relaxed. Have you ever been to the symphony? You should go. It makes your soul feel nice.
Then intermission came and I really didn’t want to miss an opportunity to eat one of the six (now four) chocolate bars that I bought today. I should explain that I’ve got this really fun daily routine where I feel anxious and then shove Coffee Crisp chocolate bars into my mouth until I feel calmer.
I usually eat them in my kitchen. Or in my car. Sometimes on the subway. Today was a first for eating it in a public bathroom stall.
When i think about it at a distance, I guess there is nothing wrong with enjoying a chocolate bar during intermission, but I think that the fact that I felt like I had to hide in the bathroom to eat it must say something about my broken brain and about my feeling towards the chocolate bar.
As I walked out of the bathroom wiping the chocolate from my teeth, I wondered if the little old ladies could tell what I’d really been doing in there…