Lowered Expectations

I have been thinking a lot about my blog during the days and it’s honestly really nice to have something concrete to focus my racing thoughts on. When I get a few minutes (that I really should spend sleeping showering), it’s sorta nice to collect my thoughts and write them down. But lately I am getting annoyed that my posts aren’t quite complete thoughts, or as well articulated as I’d like. Whenever I write, it always takes me a few drafts to get to the point I’m making and nowadays, I always get interrupted while I’m writing (because I have a baby who likes to sleep on me- my fault, not his). It’s really hard to focus like this.

Also, I get nervous if I don’t write every day or two because that is just the beginning of me never writing again (add one more thing to my failure list!), and I also feel like a failure for not remembering and writing down all of the much better entries that I think about all day.

Isn’t this dumb? I have a five month old and a two year old- I have postpartum depression and anxiety and I am dealing with serious neurological side effects from crappy antidepressants- I can barely stay on top of feeding my toddler and myself- Why do I have crazy expectations of the person that I think I am?

Even right now, I’m only able to write because I’ve brought the computer into bed. I am lying on my side with my arms wrapped around Crosby while he nurses/sleeps and am typing over him. And the photo that I added makes no sense- but I’m so tired…

It is hard to come to terms with my reality sometimes. In my head, I’m a very organized person. I’m always on top of things. My house is very neat and uncluttered. and I have a hot body I’m skinny. …Then I put on my glasses and look around…

The other day, I was meeting a new-ish friend and her baby for lunch near my house. As I walked out my door, I looked at my condo and got annoyed that it was so messy that day that I couldn’t invite my friend in after lunch. I wouldn’t want her to think that I actually live this way.

Then I started thinking about when I could invite her over and I realized that this messiness is actually how I live these days. There are always toys all over my floor, shoes all over the entrance way and my kitchen counters are never clear.

I’m not sure if this is something that all new moms have to come to terms with or if this will get better when my “happy pills” start to work (see previous posts). I understand that I have to redefine myself as my life changes but just because the “new me” happens to be a dirty, messy, depressed, fat girl, doesn’t mean I have to keep her. Does it?

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3 thoughts on “Lowered Expectations

  1. You absolutely don’t have to keep her. That’s not to say you have to be unkind to her while she’s here, but you don’t have to accept her as a lifelong presence.

    My only child is a year and a half. The first several months were horrible for me, but I decided I’d ditch a lot of non-essential things. Right now, my house is a mess, but I’m basically happy with how things are. (Granted, I do mean to call a cleaning service to come in a couple times a month!) An immaculate house doesn’t matter to my child–the party I’d be most concerned with–but all the time I save by not stressing about it matters immensely to me. That’s how I weighed it, anyway, when I found myself at the crossroads of “I can’t handle this” and “a very literal something has got to give.” 🙂

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  2. I actually cleaned my kitchen counter today- it made me feel better about myself. Is that bad?
    Maybe I can accept the messy me for a short time but I feel like there is a clock ticking…like I better clean up before my son gets much older or else I’ll be stuck like this…

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  3. I can completely relate…and I think most moms can relate to this. My blog jumps all over the place if I’m not careful. My best bet is to wait until all four of my children are tucked into bed….and then hope none of them wake up for at least half an hour.
    As for cleanliness, I figure I can beat all at how ridiculously messy my house is constantly. But then when I start to feel bad I remind myself that there is someone else out there whose house is worse. I have watched a few episodes of Hoarders, after all.
    And I agree with Deborah…you don’t have to accept that this is the new you. Personally, I’ve always been a cluttered, somewhat overweight, disorganized sort of girl. My hubby loves me just fine as I am and I’m coming to terms with the fact that in this stage of my life, this is who I am. And not only that, but there is something of who I was wrapped up in this, too. It’s who I was, just a bit unhinged…and homeschooling, potty training, diaper changing, cosleeping, breastfeeding fifty billion times a day, getting very little sleep, etc, etc, doesn’t help me to be who I was. It does help me to be who I need to be now, though..a mama.

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