See me, Feel me, Touch me, Heal me

I had a feeling today. It felt really good to have a feeling.  It got me thinking about The Who’s Tommy and thinking about songs that I’ve heard a million times before. I think that I’m actually finally understanding what this play is all about and what it really means. Or, at least, what I think it really means.

In case you haven’t heard, I’ve been spending a lot of time in therapy lately.
Let’s define “a lot”:
2 hours weekly with a postpartum depression support group;
1 hour weekly with a postpartum depression specializing therapist;
1 hour bi-weekly with a postpartum depression specializing psychiatrist; and
1 hour bi-weekly with my regular therapist to discuss why it’s okay that I blame my mother for all this therapy.

Through all of this therapy, becoming a mother to a toddler and baby, experiencing the lowest depression and most crippling anxiety of my life,  and coming to terms with my own personal history (pre-motherhood) of depression and anxiety (and recognizing and accepting the paths that they have led me down in my life), I have truly grown and changed as a person. I feel that I am a much more sensitive and empathetic person. I am more real and try to be kind  and always keep perspective and patience. The hard work that I am doing at this time in my life will make me  a better mother, wife and person than I could ever have been if I hadn`t experienced all of this shit.

I`ve begun to feel that maybe I`m actually lucky to be going through this personal enlightenment now instead of living my life stuck in perpetual denial. I feel that, like The Who`s Tommy,  “I became aware this year“.  Like I wasn’t really living before, just going through some motions, but now I can think, I can feel, I can hurt and I can love.

One of the symptoms of depression is emotional numbness. This is especially painful when you stare at your beautiful new baby trying desperately to feel the love that you are sure you possess for her. Through my therapy (and probably my new medication), I’ve been feeling more lately. This may be hard to understand if you’ve never experienced it, but if you have, I don’t need to explain anymore.  I had actually been depressed for so long that I had forgotten what feeling felt like. It feels nice.

The other day, I spoke to my mom and I actually felt sad and hurt by her suggestion that I may be depressed because I’m allergic to dairy.  (Mad Cow Disease>?) Yes, Mom, I’m sure that  a dairy allergy  (with no stomach upset) is a much more likely cause than the glaring family history of depression. My mother lives in a world of denial and seeing only what she wants to see. I have been increasingly aware of how frustrating this is, but actually feeling hurt by it was new to me. And if I can feel hurt, I know I will be able to feel all of those good emotions too.

I feel like Tommy when the mTommyirror finally breaks. I feel like I am starting to be able to see how to break away from the depressed shell of a person that I used to be and am excited to see life through a clearer set of glasses.

It has taken me a lot of hard work to get this far but in retrospect, my kids are still so young and I’m just so happy that I will be able to raise my children in the sort of loving and secure home that they can only have with a mother who is “aware” and “free”.

I’M FREE-I’m free,
And freedom tastes of reality,
I’m free-I’m free,
And I’m waiting for you to follow me.

If I told you what it takes
to reach the highest high,
You’d laugh and say ‘nothing’s that simple’
But you’ve been told many times before
Messiahs pointed to the door
And no one had the guts to leave the temple!

I’M FREE-I’m free,
And freedom tastes of reality,

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One thought on “See me, Feel me, Touch me, Heal me

  1. Hi, so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I just wanted to say that I sooooooooo remember this feeling! And I haven’t seen another PPD mom write about the numbness in a way that resonated so strongly with me. I think that was one of the most disturbing parts of what I experienced… just NOT feeling. Hang in there… it will get better!

    Like

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