Waiting for my Happy Pills

Anxiety really sucks. I’ve basically been walking around all day having a non-stop anxiety attack. I feel like I’m choking on every breath I take. I just want to close my eyes, cover my ears and curl up in the corner. I hate that I have to take care of my kids when I feel like this. But I feel like this so fucking often that I don’t think I’d technically be their primary caregiver if I sent them to Grandma’s every time I felt like this.

They say that anxiety is the over-activation of your ‘fight or flight’ system which is useful if a tiger is chasing you. But really, I’m just standing in my kitchen and there’s a dirty bottle in the sink that needs to be washed… some tiger.

Now that I’m finally aware that my brain is actually broken and I’m not pregnant, I decided to start taking antidepressants. I started taking an introductory dose of Zoloft in early March. The first week was amazing- I felt like myself again (which was especially nice because after the last 2 years, I really wasn`t sure there was a `me` under all that depression and freakiness).happy pills

After a week of feeling good at the introductory dose, I doubled my dose (probably not the best idea) and that`s sorta when my head hit the floor. Not only was I dizzy, nauseous, exhausted and foggier than when I was depressed, my ears wouldn`t stop ringing, and sometimes the room actually spun around me and also there were some unicorns dancing and possibly some kaleidascope colors involved… maybe fun when you are staff at day camp, not so fun when you are taking care of your own babies.

The psychiatrist said that the ear ringing was extremely rare (wohoo! I`m unique!) and a sign of neurological damage (shit!) and I had to stop taking the Zoloft 😦

I`m pretty sure the antidepressants made a big difference. Here`s how I can tell, two weeks ago, when I was still on the Zoloft, I drove home alone late one night with both kids. It was one of those horrible drives where everyone needed to sleep and the baby was screaming and it sucked. I got stressed, but I didn’t cry. Fast forward to the same scenario tonight- minus the baby crying and also minus the Zoloft…. Guess who cried on the drive home… me. BFS! (that stands for Big Fucking Surprise!) (I decided that it’s my blog, I can make up acronyms.) PTIYPASI! (that stands for Put That In Your Pipe And Suck It!)

So now I`m just biding my time and eating a fuck load of chocolate (and licking some salt out of the palm of my hand…) until my new micro dose of `happy pills`arrive from the online pharmacy in the mail (weird.). Should be in the next two or three days. Problem is, that could be fucking forever to me- I`m depressed- remember? I’m the one who thought it was comforting that Janis Joplin said “Tomorrow never happens, man, it’s all the same fucking day.”

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