I have been thinking a lot about my blog during the days and it’s honestly really nice to have something concrete to focus my racing thoughts on. When I get a few minutes (that I really should spend
sleeping showering), it’s sorta nice to collect my thoughts and write them down. But lately I am getting annoyed that my posts aren’t quite complete thoughts, or as well articulated as I’d like. Whenever I write, it always takes me a few drafts to get to the point I’m making and nowadays, I always get interrupted while I’m writing (because I have a baby who likes to sleep on me- my fault, not his). It’s really hard to focus like this.
Also, I get nervous if I don’t write every day or two because that is just the beginning of me never writing again (add one more thing to my failure list!), and I also feel like a failure for not remembering and writing down all of the much better entries that I think about all day.
Isn’t this dumb? I have a five month old and a two year old- I have postpartum depression and anxiety and I am dealing with serious neurological side effects from crappy antidepressants- I can barely stay on top of feeding my toddler and myself- Why do I have crazy expectations of the person that I think I am?
Even right now, I’m only able to write because I’ve brought the computer into bed. I am lying on my side with my arms wrapped around Crosby while he nurses/sleeps and am typing over him. And the photo that I added makes no sense- but I’m so tired…
It is hard to come to terms with my reality sometimes. In my head, I’m a very organized person. I’m always on top of things. My house is very neat and uncluttered. and
I have a hot body I’m skinny. …Then I put on my glasses and look around…
The other day, I was meeting a new-ish friend and her baby for lunch near my house. As I walked out my door, I looked at my condo and got annoyed that it was so messy that day that I couldn’t invite my friend in after lunch. I wouldn’t want her to think that I actually live this way.
Then I started thinking about when I could invite her over and I realized that this messiness is actually how I live these days. There are always toys all over my floor, shoes all over the entrance way and my kitchen counters are never clear.
I’m not sure if this is something that all new moms have to come to terms with or if this will get better when my “happy pills” start to work (see previous posts). I understand that I have to redefine myself as my life changes but just because the “new me” happens to be a dirty, messy, depressed, fat girl, doesn’t mean I have to keep her. Does it?